Layne's vs. Cane's: Forney's chicken finger title fight in the Taco Bell parking lot (probably)
Humor / Satire - This piece is for fun. It is not factual news reporting.
Layne's is opening on FM 548, right up the road from Cane's, so we settled the rivalry the only fair way: an imaginary UFC title fight in the Taco Bell parking lot. Satire, with real addresses.
Illustration: The Forney Chronicle. No chickens, baskets or taco restaurants were involved.
FORNEY, Texas - Stop the presses. Actually, do not stop the presses. But Forney has a situation on its hands: there are now two chicken finger restaurants on the same street.
Layne's Chicken Fingers is opening its new Forney restaurant at 510 N. FM 548, up the road from Raising Cane's, which has held down the 100 block of North FM 548 for years. Two chicken finger heavyweights. One street. One town with only so much room in its heart and its drive-thru lanes.
There is only one reasonable way to settle this: a UFC-style title fight in the Taco Bell parking lot at 820 N. FM 548, selected as neutral territory because Taco Bell belongs to everyone.
The tale of the tape
In the red corner, the challenger: Layne's Chicken Fingers, born and breaded in College Station, Texas, in 1994, now more than 40 locations strong. Signature move: the Soon to be Famous secret sauce. Reach advantage: a $1.95 million brand-new building, per state construction filings.
In the blue corner, the reigning hometown champion: Raising Cane's. Signature move: ONE LOVE, which is chicken fingers, crinkle-cut fries, Texas toast and Cane's Sauce. Fighting style: consistent. Corner man: a very good dog, probably.
The card
Round 1: Secret sauce vs. Cane's Sauce. Both fighters refuse to disclose what is in their sauce. The judges score it 10-10 on the grounds that some things are bigger than sports.
Round 2: Texas toast. Both corners land identical buttery jabs. The crowd, which is us, eating in our cars, goes wild.
Round 3: Crinkle-cut fries. A technical stalemate. A physicist in attendance explains that the crinkle shape maximizes sauce adhesion, and is escorted out for making too much sense.
Round 4: Drive-thru speed. Ruled a no-contest. Nobody wins this round in Forney, ever. The ice in the sweet tea remains undefeated.
Round 5: Texas toast again, because we could not stop thinking about it.
The decision
After five rounds, the judges' scorecards are illegible due to sauce. The ringside doctor stops the fight when both baskets agree to split a Crunchwrap. It is officially a draw.
The Chronicle does not take sides, in chicken fingers or in anything else. We are on the side of showing up hungry and being nice to the person at the window. The real winner is Forney, which now has twice the chicken fingers of any reasonable town.
The actual facts (this part is real)
- Layne's Chicken Fingers, a Texas chain founded in College Station in 1994, is opening at 510 N. FM 548 in Forney. The Forney Chamber of Commerce lists the restaurant as a member, and state construction filings describe a new 2,727-square-foot restaurant. Local opening trackers report the state sales tax permit listed first sales in early November.
- Raising Cane's has long operated at 100 N. FM 548. It is a fine chicken finger establishment and we will not hear otherwise.
- Taco Bell, at 820 N. FM 548, has not agreed to host any fights, chicken-based or otherwise. Please do not show up expecting one. Do show up expecting tacos.
- No actual fight occurred, is scheduled, or ever should. The fighters in the illustration are cartoons. Cartoon chicken cannot feel pain.
Welcome to Forney, Layne's. Cane's, we still love you. Taco Bell, thank you for your service.
